"Throughout this book, I felt Bruce had a secret window into my own life and private thoughts. Many private feelings I am currently dealing with were addressed and revealed in a manner that made me feel it is not only normal, but I am truly not alone in this. I was surprised that I cried while reading it and the comfort that the words brought me. I read tons of self-help books, among other types of books, and this book actually gives me hope and things to look forward to. My tears were from the fact that I am facing the words I read. I have been getting negative feedback from outside sources and these words reassured me not to listen, keep them out of your life and do what is right. The section on the other home/parent opened my eyes and freed me. I did not go into reading this book thinking it would help me on such a deep emotional level." ~Dorothy Justice, Vice Chair-Community Action Partnership

October 27, 2012

New Household Status

Congratulations, you are single again! Congratulations? Really!?! We both know it wasn’t exactly in your plans. You have kids and a whole host of new responsibilities including possibly working with an adversarial co-parent. Lucky you, right?
Congratulations, you are single again! Congratulations? Really!?! We both know it wasn’t exactly in your plans. You have kids and a whole host of new responsibilities including possibly working with an adversarial co-parent. Lucky you, right? You now have what’s universally called, baggage- more good news! It just keeps getting better.

With your new household status you most likely will move into something smaller than you are accustomed, lose married friends as the division of circles commences, go on a household shopping spree, cope with adjusting to co-parenting roles, and then dating and new relations! That’s just the surface, unfortunately.

With your new status brings new emotions and challenges that are unfamiliar to you. Transitioning from married life with children is not an easy task no matter how you look at it or how well you adjust or acclimate to change. It’s all in your perspective.

Your emotions will attempt to get the best of you. Moving is stressful let alone going through a separation and split with a long time partner. Newness is challenging. The more dramatic, the bigger your emotions if
you allow- dividing material wealth, bills, accounts, and potentially finding new insurance are all efforts that correlate with full emancipation.

Managing a new household with children full or part time is the new status. There’s nothing in your resume that quite prepares you. No more tag teams or alternating roles and responsibilities under the same roof. Management of your time and energy will be prudent. You are your own boss of your own domain!

Acclimating away from the learned behavior in your marriage will be difficult- it's time to release the inner voice held over from your ex. Initially, you will catch yourself making decisions based on how your ex preferred. Working hard to consciously design and create your new life the way you prefer across your household will be strange. Create and promote change.

You are now faced with new priorities. You are the all in one- you are the cook, maid, dishwasher, bellman, valet, mediator, chaperone, driver, sibling negotiator, and the list goes on. At your new home, one of the benefits to new single status is doing things your way with your kids. However, when it comes to sharing children's activities with your ex (such as pickups from school), keeping things consistent and predictable for the children is more important now than ever. Don’t sway with your own creativeness at least at this time.

New communication habits with your ex spouse will be generated. Email and texting are cheap ways to get quick information across, but not really to have a discussion. Lengthy texts will only leave more room for error or misunderstanding. When using mobile devices, it’s best to be concise and succinct. Quips are not cool- no dangling or open ended comments.

As a rule, try to handle all correspondence with integrity and dignity. Immediately after separation there is likely a language barrier. Don’t dip to new absurd levels no matter how upsetting your circumstances. If you are corresponding with your ex it’s most likely for the kids and that’s where your focus should remain.

Utilize the 24-hour rule. Since you cannot trust your emotions at a time like this heightened peak, take time to absorb the information. Rest on certain topics that upset you. I found that, personally roughly 50% of the time I waited, I changed my position on certain matters pertaining to the children. Keep the children as your focus over certain impulses you own.

So again, congratulations, it’s your new beginning. Transitioning in divorce with children won't be easy. Stay cool. Remain levelheaded. It’s all in your perspective, which should be looking and moving forward. You may not realize or see it now but you will grow from this, you will be a bigger better person, and you will be happier than ever. It will take time. I'm sorry, its over, start your new life now.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: stevedepino.com/ Flickr

© 2012 Bruce Buccio

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