"Throughout this book, I felt Bruce had a secret window into my own life and private thoughts. Many private feelings I am currently dealing with were addressed and revealed in a manner that made me feel it is not only normal, but I am truly not alone in this. I was surprised that I cried while reading it and the comfort that the words brought me. I read tons of self-help books, among other types of books, and this book actually gives me hope and things to look forward to. My tears were from the fact that I am facing the words I read. I have been getting negative feedback from outside sources and these words reassured me not to listen, keep them out of your life and do what is right. The section on the other home/parent opened my eyes and freed me. I did not go into reading this book thinking it would help me on such a deep emotional level." ~Dorothy Justice, Vice Chair-Community Action Partnership

March 2, 2014

8 Ways to Stop Yelling or Reprimanding

 Mentoring your child starts when they can share dialogue with you and can ask good questions. You want this kind of dialogue with your child to start early; expressing your concerns calmly on the issue at hand in a language they understand.
How do you view and define discipline as a parent? Finding the right balance that works with your child is your prerogative, within reason of course. What would happen if you were to start reasoning with your child with rationale and good understanding of the issue as if you were ... mentoring.

As a mentor, you may guide, advise, teach, and counsel others who may have less knowledge and understanding or experience such as your child. There are personal attributes which run hand in hand with mentoring, such as love, compassion, flexibility, and perhaps a lot of understanding. Mentoring your child starts when they can share dialogue with you and can ask good questions. You want this kind of dialogue with your child to start early; expressing your concerns calmly on the issue at hand in a language they understand. Here are eight identifiable ways to work through the issues without yelling or even reprimanding your children. With a consistent and confident approach, the results may just surprise you.

"In the process, you have shown you can respect your child when they are just trying to grow up; that you regard their shortcomings in lieu of their lack of experience."

  1. Guide your child with your understanding and acknowledgement of the issue. Talk your way through. Advise them on better choices with healthier consequences.  
  2. You want to be their "mentor" always explaining, always pointing out positive ways and always working as a team. You want kind, respectful and bilateral dialogue in a calm and natural setting always modeling your behavior in the manner you want mirrored. Be patient. If your child is testing you, stay your course and be confident.
  3. Make sure your loved one is clear on your concern by asking for clarity on the issue. Get their acknowledgement on the mistake, mishap, or bad decision.  
  4. Counsel your children on the importance of the issue and where there is virtue. In the end, you will have taught your child a valuable lesson that will keep them open-minded and listen the next time a situation arises. In the process, you have shown you can respect your child when they are just trying to grow up; that you regard their shortcomings in lieu of their lack of experience. Your wiser child is empowered with knowledge and perhaps regret, instead of feeling chastised or reprimanded. 
  5. Your "actions" should reflect their actions are not appreciated and not cool. You may not see good results immediately but always walk away with confidence that your child is listening even if its not immediately apparent. 
  6. Discipline should never result in your child feeling bad. Punishment or penalizing may not be wise if the result means your child is repeatedly not happy as a result or disagrees angrily stomping away. Something is wrong. You don’t want your child feeling bad, distressed, or even worse, humiliated. You want conclusions where both parties are in mutual understanding. If not, then more work is necessary. 
  7. Take time more wisely to gain understanding and common ground on the issue together. Another tactic not to impose is the quick punishment (when no questions are asked and quick conclusions are drawn based on impressions or assumptions) which means someone is going to have to feel bad and that may be both of you if you cannot separate yourself from the grief you just inflicted. Someone is going to have to take time away because of the conflict, which just occurred; ultimately designating each other to understand the extent of the problem on their own. There is no long-term benefit to this. 
  8. At a minimum, always allow your loved one to walk from the issue with understanding and clearly accepting their actions and subsequently your actions. Mentoring fosters trust and respect in your relationship instead of control, restraint, and consequently disorder. This enhances accountability and worth, in light of the issue, and this is an outcome you both can live with together.   

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, Author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed state child advocate and expert counseling families professionally in parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children as single dad, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

© 2014 Bruce Buccio