"Throughout this book, I felt Bruce had a secret window into my own life and private thoughts. Many private feelings I am currently dealing with were addressed and revealed in a manner that made me feel it is not only normal, but I am truly not alone in this. I was surprised that I cried while reading it and the comfort that the words brought me. I read tons of self-help books, among other types of books, and this book actually gives me hope and things to look forward to. My tears were from the fact that I am facing the words I read. I have been getting negative feedback from outside sources and these words reassured me not to listen, keep them out of your life and do what is right. The section on the other home/parent opened my eyes and freed me. I did not go into reading this book thinking it would help me on such a deep emotional level." ~Dorothy Justice, Vice Chair-Community Action Partnership

February 8, 2012

Children of Divorce; your child loves both of you

Child's Privilege/ Dalla*
By the time your loved ones get into their young teens and definitely by age 15, your child will have pieced together on their own which parent has it together and which one cannot get it together. Regardless, your children love both of you even if you don’t live together anymore; it’s your child’s privilege. Im sorry, it’s not your job to imply or influence otherwise.

Healthier solutions exist

Rather, accept your child’s needs over certain impulses you own. Finding harmony is the perfect power play when it comes to your child’s well being. Respect your child’s interests with your Ex; your little one probably didn’t have a say in the current household status. You don’t necessarily have to agree with it, just respect it. When it comes to issues with your Ex, healthier solutions exist.

In the case, for example, with children being manipulated against the other parent.

You may ask what gain is there using a child as a vice?

In the case where putting the other parent down.

You may ask who are we really hurting and what lasting scars are we inflicting?

In the case where putting our child consistently in a position to care for their younger siblings in our place.

You may ask why are our children expected to grow up faster?

In the case where placing our child in a position of confidence with our personal issues.

You may ask what are we stealing from our children?

In the case where lacking good healthy choices for our children.

You may ask why unusual priorities are impacting my children?

In the case where playing the blame game after several years of divorce.

One has to ask whom are we really cheating?

Your answer:
  1. You love your children
  2. You allow your loved ones to express themselves without judgement
  3. You point out your ex’s bright spots even when her/ his actions seem weak or are questionable
  4. You allow your little ones to view the world as a beautiful place even though their parents don’t live together anymore

Children will grasp your engaging commitment

As you can see, the above list combined is a healthy way to solve many concerns. You may not realize or see it now, though your children will grasp your engaging commitment eventually and this is gold; your personal investment to your child’s long-term emotional health. Your care and understanding to this very delicate situation counts. Divorce has consequences we cannot escape; it’s best to draw attention to the positive sides.

Rectify areas you own

Children will need an outlet. Let them talk out their concerns in the confines of your arms. Don’t put words in their mouth, but rather hear them out; really listen to what they are saying. Think through your conversation afterwards and give your self time to understand the transaction. Begin to rectify areas you own.

Your child will embrace your support and guidance

You do not necessarily have to respond to your Ex for issues she/ he owns, unless there is room for serious concern. For less dire situations, support your child’s immediate need for sympathy and compassion to the situation. Your child will embrace your support and guidance, and more importantly your unconditional love.

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© 2012 Bruce Buccio

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