"Throughout this book, I felt Bruce had a secret window into my own life and private thoughts. Many private feelings I am currently dealing with were addressed and revealed in a manner that made me feel it is not only normal, but I am truly not alone in this. I was surprised that I cried while reading it and the comfort that the words brought me. I read tons of self-help books, among other types of books, and this book actually gives me hope and things to look forward to. My tears were from the fact that I am facing the words I read. I have been getting negative feedback from outside sources and these words reassured me not to listen, keep them out of your life and do what is right. The section on the other home/parent opened my eyes and freed me. I did not go into reading this book thinking it would help me on such a deep emotional level." ~Dorothy Justice, Vice Chair-Community Action Partnership

December 17, 2012

Developing Rituals That Change Everything

Now is the time to build on your recent triumphs after divorce by improving on your way of life together with your children.
This article is the eighth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The seventh or last segment published, Building Structure-- In Your Child’s Securityshows how to create a compelling discovery for you and your children that will harmonize your household.

This segment, “Developing Rituals That Change Everything” is about bringing family together to strengthen relationships in time of need. By this time in your transitional development, you are succeeding on a good working balance with your ex, implementing designs on your new personal life, and generating a sustainable household.

Now is the time to build on your recent triumphs after divorce by improving on your way of life together with your children. By developing and bringing rituals into our home, we develop an accord—the love,

December 10, 2012

Building Structure—in your kid’s security

Too much anxiety from insecurities, emotions, fear, and even the unknown marks our childhood with instability and coping mechanisms.
This article is the seventh segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The sixth or last segment published, “Moving Forward After Divorce” takes a look at designing a new path and setting targets for your new life ahead.

This segment, “Building Structure…”, is about developing a framework of consistency and predictability into your home life for your children. By this time in your transitional development, you and your kids are fitting into your new life together, but in the process of adjusting to new roles and new household status, things perhaps got a little confusing for everyone.

When we are in our youth we prefer sameness. We grow secure in knowing our surroundings are constant

November 28, 2012

Moving Forward After Divorce

You may still be grieving and attempting to leave the past behind in order to let go. This is perfectly normal. Today, at this point in your development, reprioritizing and organizing your life for your future is what’s important now.
This article is the sixth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The fifth or last segment published,  “Working Past the Ex, Negativity and Games”, takes a look at new co-parenting roles in light of the divorce and new challenges which may result.

This segment, “Moving Forward”, is about designing your own new path. You may not have noticed, but you are a new person now. You may look the same in the mirror, but change is imminent. 

By this time in your transitional development, you are adjusting to your new household, your kids are settling into their new family dynamic, and you are managing to find a good balance that works with your co-parent for the benefit of the kids. 

You may still be grieving and attempting to leave the past behind in order to let go. This is perfectly normal. Today, at this point in your development, reprioritizing

November 13, 2012

Working Past The Ex, Negativity, and Games

Having to cope with new co-parenting roles while you are just trying to get up on your own feet can get complicated and frustrating.
This article is the fifth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The fourth or last segment published, "Integrating into your kid’s lives" is about having new opportunity to build deeper bonds with your children, merely from the additional individual closeness and time together.

This segment, “Working Past The Ex...”, is about utilizing four very simple key points in order to  mitigate the more contentious issues which may arise. By this time in your transitional development, you are starting to live your life with new single status and adjusting to the idea of what may lay ahead for you and your kids as your kids are curious about their new family dynamic. 

The separation is finally behind and you are adjusting to your new life as single parent. You have started to create your own niche with your children while consoling their hearts and trying to focus on their needs as well as your own.

If it were only this easy, it could be manageable. Just you and the kids, on your time, trying to figure things out are workable. Having to cope with new co-parenting roles while you are just trying to get up on your own feet can get complicated and frustrating.

Mutually learning to work together, always thinking of the kids first, would be cause for having a parade in both your honor. The reality is you are divorced because you couldn’t agree, learn to compromise, or work together for the common good. If this weren’t the case, maybe you’d still be married.

Chances are high you are reading this blog because you are looking for inspiration to help with some of your co-parenting challenges. I’m sure its not news for you that its best for you to work well with your

November 8, 2012

Our Children After Divorce- Integrating into your child’s life

Though the initial and immediate impacts, in my opinion, are felt extraordinarily hard and greatest toward the children in the middle age groups, 9-13.

More than any other time, your children will need your personal attention after divorce. A family split may be the biggest, most critical, emotional impact your child will accept in a lifetime. All children are obviously impacted by divorce-- one age group is more at risk and vulnerable.

Studies will show divorce will leave the longest impressions on the youngest children. Though the initial and immediate impacts, in my opinion, are felt extraordinarily hard and greatest toward the children in the middle age groups, 9-13.

A child this age is developing in to his/ her own. Emotional, social, intellectual and physical changes are converging at once, at their peak. During this period, many forms of challenges are already on your

October 31, 2012

Adjusting To Life After Divorce

Divorce papers have been filed and preliminary hearings have likely started. You may have a separation agreement. You’ve created a new household status and you are settled in to a new home. The kids are acclimating to their new living arrangements. You don’t know what tomorrow brings, but you managed to get through another day. Now what?
So, you've split. You have participated in one of life’s biggest changes. Divorce papers have been filed and preliminary hearings have likely started. You may have a separation agreement. You’ve created a new household status and you are settled in to a new home. The kids are acclimating to their new living arrangements. You don’t know what tomorrow brings, but you managed to get through another day. Now what?

The beginning of the next chapter in your life. 

You know the tasks at hand and you work through the motions to make a new life, get comfortable, and then out of nowhere it hits you--life will be different. For me it was when I received delivery of my new bedroom furniture and I was figuring where to fit my clothes in the dresser drawers.  Oddly, at this time, I was confronted with the revelation I was on my own. 

October 29, 2012

21 Not-So-Obvious Ways to Love and Support Your Children

There are more creative ways to support and love your children than the obvious, so they are subsequently preparing even at a young age for life ahead.
There are more creative ways to support and love your children than the obvious, so they are subsequently preparing even at a young age for life ahead.

1)    Learn to understand your child’s world - During conversation over dinner I would learn and understand my daughter's world listening to her ideas, thoughts, and imagination without judgment. This was my opportunity to show my children individually I’m vested, they are important, and I approve of them lovingly and with acceptance.

2)    Explore together, learn together, grow together - Every opportunity I had, I did my best to bring the outside world to my children through new experiences. Some would eventually become family rituals

October 27, 2012

New Household Status

Congratulations, you are single again! Congratulations? Really!?! We both know it wasn’t exactly in your plans. You have kids and a whole host of new responsibilities including possibly working with an adversarial co-parent. Lucky you, right?
Congratulations, you are single again! Congratulations? Really!?! We both know it wasn’t exactly in your plans. You have kids and a whole host of new responsibilities including possibly working with an adversarial co-parent. Lucky you, right? You now have what’s universally called, baggage- more good news! It just keeps getting better.

With your new household status you most likely will move into something smaller than you are accustomed, lose married friends as the division of circles commences, go on a household shopping spree, cope with adjusting to co-parenting roles, and then dating and new relations! That’s just the surface, unfortunately.

With your new status brings new emotions and challenges that are unfamiliar to you. Transitioning from married life with children is not an easy task no matter how you look at it or how well you adjust or acclimate to change. It’s all in your perspective.

Your emotions will attempt to get the best of you. Moving is stressful let alone going through a separation and split with a long time partner. Newness is challenging. The more dramatic, the bigger your emotions if

October 12, 2012

Preparing For Change In Your Life

"Nothing quite prepares us for change, accept change itself- it helps knowing taking the first step is the beginning of something bigger." -excerpt Preparing for change in your life.
Many things may make you stare into open space wishing and hoping, maybe praying for renewed strength. You may feel stuck and can’t move, finding yourself immobile against this imaginary tide that strikes you. Have you ever stood in the ocean waiting for a large wave to breach only to have it hit you and push you over? Sometimes life feels this way. Change is inevitable.

Preparing for a life change may mean just becoming aware and accepting change is necessary. Have you or do you want to create changes? You may not even know what the change is or needs to be.  You just know moving on would be easier if you could just release or sidestep the unavoidable fears and emotions.

Did you ever have that dream where you can’t move? You try to move your arm or leg and it wont go! As if someone or something is pinning you down. Then you wake up confused to the weird and

September 13, 2012

Fearless in Divorce

I read somewhere courage is fear with a lot of prayers. One thing I hear more, from others in the throes of marital transition, is fear of what the other will say in divorce proceedings and what will the judge think.

I say, give more credit to the judicial system. Staying focused on your gifts as a parent and sustaining a consistent, safe, loving and predictable environment for your child will win more hearts including the judge’s. This is the foundation on which to build your platform for a new and everlasting bond with your kids. Your kids will be depending on you.

I never went to court during my divorce since I negotiated out of court. In hindsight now that I’m older and wiser, that should have been a deeper consideration. If I felt comfortable with my relationship in my kids and my parenting skills, I should have let the judge review my situation in person.

Eventually, I went back and won custody and brought my kids home fulltime.  I didn’t need a lawyer, but I had one anyway and I sought several opinions.  Personally, I recommend seeking and talking to 5-6 lawyers quite honestly. That may just mean you’ll receive 5-6 different opinions and that’s why you seek so many. What’s important to you will surface.

Divorce can bring up all kinds of emotions regardless of whether you are the one filing. The very thought of being on your own without your kids, if even temporarily, can be upsetting. Thoughts of
whether it’s wise and just stay in the marriage may linger. Should I work it out?  Should I leave my spouse? Thoughts and confusion will deepen your angst of whether you are doing the right thing.

Heartache is going to happen if you decide to separate. You may already be there. Weighing your life in the situation and how to move forward while impacting others around you, including your kids and partner, is the highest consideration on your mind right now.

If you are thinking about the kids already you are on the right mark. That’s where your focus should be in this precarious place.  Before you pull the trigger on separation, whether it’s cordial or not with your spouse, get ready for the rollercoaster of a lifetime.

If you are communicating with your partner, then working an agreement or arrangement out in advance or even filing the papers together is wise and has long-term healthy emotional, and financial benefits. Bringing your file to a lawyer for review is prudent. If additional time with your kids is your priority, bring it to court.

If you and your spouse have agreed mutually on your split, moving forward and letting go of the past is the best advice anyone can give you. Finding harmony and balance is your new standard.

If your new household status is not mutual, or at least not amicable, for any reason, forget about your ex-partner’s actions or words. Separation hurts and it sucks for both of you, but your next steps could save you and your kids more heartache in the long run.

Fighting and arguing with your spouse is real money. Time costs money. Ego and scorned love is money. The best alternative- think of the kids and move on.  Focus on the kids, your gifts as a parent, and your new household. Emotions are exhausting.

Accepting your new life’s twists and turns will prepare you for change and challenge, which by the way results in growth. Your growth translates harmoniously into your child’s outlook and therefore their lives. You may not be seeing it now, but your new life may just make you happy again.

Get as much time you can warrant in your kids lives. Children need both their parents more than ever right now. While it may be hard to understand initially, your kids love both of you regardless of how dire the circumstances or who screwed up.

When committed to divorce, here is your new strategy for you and your children:

First order of business, learn to ignore the chatter. What you hear through small lips is not important- it doesn’t change the fact you are a loving caring person who holds the best interests of your children and their hearts. Look beyond the adversity.  What you hear through adult lips shouldn’t matter either. Additionally, a great division of friends will occur regardless of your feelings or outcome of the divorce. Let it go.

Second, take ownership of the issues you need to work on and do them privately. There’s no need to include the children. Allow the children to see you own your issue and that you will work through it- that you know they see your pain, but you can fix it. Moreover, your children can focus on being kids more without carrying the burden or anxiety they see in their mom or dad.

Third, understanding your roles/ responsibilities. They are the same as before – its only that the living arrangements have changed should be your child’s new perspective. The relationship as provider, caregiver, loving bond, and general support doesn’t change. Even more so, great consideration should be made for improvement to these areas now.

Fourth, keep moving is imperative. It won’t be easy and there will be days that you won’t want to leave your bedside. Start the healing process and grieve, but find ways to keep yourself up and about. Start organizing and re-prioritizing your life- cleanup the mess both literally and figuratively. Finding and maintaining healthy distractions is now your new norm. Placing energy in your child’s well-being while all parties adjust is a good form of healthy.

Fifth, staying positive. Easier said than done, but looking back will only make you dizzy. Keeping your mind and eyes peeled on the horizon is now your new motivation. Once you have started to balance well on your own feet, start setting targets for the new life that waits.

Sixth is self-compassion- a sort of “…antitoxin to the soul.” Be easier on your self. Don’t beat yourself up. Rather understand life can be your teacher and will throw you hard lessons, but understand you have limits, you are not perfect, you are only human, and there is Devine passage to the next chapter in your life. God is looking after you.

Courage is fear with a lot of prayers. Separation leading to divorce is an anxious and stressful time for not only you, but those around you. Emotions will be riding high-  pace yourself, allow acceptance of self, and trust in your ability to be a remarkable parent. Your gifts as a parent are weighing most in the lives around you. Build your platform for an eternal bond with your kids. Your kids are depending on you.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA,  is a Rebuilding Coach and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: Jeremy1786/ Flickr

© 2012 Bruce Buccio

August 20, 2012

Where's My Daddy?

Trying to imagine what goes through the little mind and heart of a child at this juncture and at this age gets me, perhaps the little one surmising, ok when does my “daddy” come for me?
VaughanVisions / Flickr

Recently I was inspired by another blogger’s entry about a mom’s submission on her three year old daughter’s question. I’ve been seeing more on this topic raised around the blogosphere, support groups, and medical advice web pages. Mothers asking what do I do when my child asks this question. Unbeknown to the child, it flares up all kinds of emotions in the single mom.

In the cases I’ve read, the very young child usually about three or four witnesses other dads either with extended family or at daycare. Its here, that the child will hear

August 1, 2012

What Goes Into Raising A Champion?

The bottom line is, kids need our guidance and support. More angles from different groups may equate to more chances for your little one to have a champion size outlook.
inspir8tion / Flickr
What does raising a champion mean? The same question may be asked-- who will have an impact on your child while he/she is growing up? What influences will you allow or require? You may have heard a popular adage stated over time, the omnipresent, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Consider these groups who may inspire your little champion:

·               Parents
·              Grandparents
·              Extended Family
·              Coaches
·              Teachers
·              Siblings
·              Friends (parental or personal)
·              Ministers, Pastors, People of faith
·              God Parents
·              Community leaders and volunteers
·              A whole host of athletes, media and celebrity figures
·              The many more who enter with a single thoughtful act

More influences mean more opportunity, in my opinion. Eventually its only natural we grab and hold onto dearly what matches our passion and therefore our appetite. I feel this

July 19, 2012

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Your home is wherever or whatever place you long to be- a place where there is no judgment, only solace.
Take me home / Per Foreby

It’s hard to believe this proverb stated originally so long ago could have so much significance today. Credited for this maxim is roman naval commander and naturalist, Pliny the Elder. Formerly Gaius Plinius Secundus, (23 AD – 79 AD), this elder is also credited for these sayings: “From the end spring new beginnings”, “The only certainty is that nothing is certain”, and my personal favorite, “Hope is the pillar that holds up the world. Hope is the dream of a waking man.”

It seems befitting to me that a naval officer would have a keen idea of where and what home means. Any persons who spend their livelihood leaving for extended periods of time and returning home time and again would perhaps be the most understanding on

May 28, 2012

Strengthening Your Children In The Eye Of Challenge

Single PArenting, Divorce, parents, Character, Challenges, Childs Strength
Confidence / Dalla*
Times will come when your child doesn’t think they are capable, themselves, of achieving. Without guidance, children will continually limit their direction. Once I would see a clear line where I needed to step in, I’d guide them through with love, enthusiasm, good respectful communication and unwavering support.

Raising children isn’t all sugar and cream. As parents we take the lumps with the anticipated outcome found in the joys and pleasure of witnessing our children succeed and achieve personal goals. When it comes to life’s hurdles, running or walking hand in hand with your child isn’t easy nor recommended, though I have some alternatives.

Armed with conscious decisions and emotional responsiveness, to enabling their best through love, whether its giving advice or showing my loved ones they can rely on me, I strive to provide a sustainable atmosphere for each to grow on.

Children will look to us even when we’re not looking. Our actions, behavior, and mannerisms we model are life enduring and will have perpetual effect in generations.  You can develop and strengthen your children with one simple key in mind in my opinion; recognizing each individually and without comparison.

I have four daughters. Each is a woman in her own right and an individual with distinct personality and character. Each daughter has developed her own style, values, goals, interests, joys, tastes, dislikes, language and expression. Each requires different care and understanding with regard to their upbringing. In other words, I won’t place expectations on one based on another’s success and may react or respond differently on similar situations.

They are designing their own path in this world, chasing their own dreams, and following their own instincts. The responsibility I accept with each of my children is in conscious decisions to ask good pertinent and intelligent questions. Their response may in effect raise more questions, but their answer isn’t as important as much as their own insight, awareness, and perspective on the issue.

Each of my daughters will develop their own understanding of the issues and steps to resolution if needed. My daughters will have their own challenges, set of problems, and different answers to those problems suited to their personal situation or comfort. My responsibility now that they are older is simply to listen, understand, and share options if needed. Solicited advisor and support are now my essential roles.

My personal awareness to my daughter’s unique characteristics enhances my rapport with each. Understanding their distinct attributes promotes individuality and a sense of true belonging.

My best attempts will enable my daughters to be their best through
forming warm, intimate, involved, lasting, and non-defensive attachments and understanding that creates cohesiveness in our relationships.  This is the emotional responsiveness I choose in parenting.

Incidentally, it's your child's responsibility for being “thee” best and not ours. Whether it’s in school, sports, work, clubs, activities, or in the type of person (how each relates to others), its up to your children to decide where their competitive level meets. Some will want to be the best and others are happy knowing and acknowledging their own best. As parents, its our responsibility to know the difference and help our children find their ability when they limit themselves.

I will lecture, but I’ll also sit and listen in heart to heart talks.  That’s me and I choose my timing wisely. In some unique and rare cases, when I observe their own realization they can’t move, I resort to lighting a fire in their hearts to instigate their motivation.  I can utilize this sparingly since I know I have my daughters’ respect in general. I employ this stance when I witness them limiting their own potential with self-doubt over a prolonged period– when they are distracted from the realization in their own capability. Once my children became older, they identified with my savvy approach. Its infinitely clear now to them it was because I believed in them when they didn’t believe in themselves.

Parenting can be very hard emotionally. No surprise to anyone whose raised children into adulthood. There’s redemption in seeing your child moving toward their target. Watching my kids in anguish over their personal challenge is a tough experience. Expressing the need to not give up while always inspiring and remaining calm is what I do. 

That’s one of my gifts to my children; helping lay out the facts, the landscape and boundaries of the issue, and the objective in finding and identifying their own skill set to conquer the problem.  I call this a form of mentoring and I lay this out in a previous article within my blog, entitled, “Children and Discipline: Never Having to Reprimand.”

Often, and typically in sports or in school, my children met challenges. There will be bumps in the road. That’s the way of life; better to learn early on. I could have easily relied on, “do what you feel is best.” This may work for superficial issues.  Larger challenges build character. I’ve written on the topic of life parallels in sports within my blog, entitled,
“Sports Help Children Prepare For Life Challenges.”

As an example, my youngest daughter met challenges in getting on the right ice hockey teams during her young teens. She had been traveling with ice hockey programs up until age twelve. By age thirteen, things changed. At one point she wanted to give up; she had derived her lack of success into not being good enough.

She’s always had efficient mechanics and puck handling skills, textbook positional fundamentals, great slap shot, and team player and usually voted a leader from teammates– though she lacked the speed, tenacity, and size by age thirteen that most coaches viewed a priority.

She had a couple of character building years, but if I had let her quit that one long day, she would have never learned an important lesson– by working hard and not giving up on herself she could succeed and did. For what she lacked in speed and size, she made up with in her smarts. She played better technique, took better angles, leaned on knowledge of the game through a referee certification, kept her head up, passed and shot with grace and finesse, and as defenseman, all culminated in separating bodies from pucks.

With the right people behind her, all the hard work filtered into an emotional day in her senior year of high school– at the Girls H.S. Ice Hockey State Championship when she assisted in the only goal scored in the game, in overtime, for the win. She did it with a slap shot in front of the many naysayer coaches and program directors from over the years. Once more this sport allowed her to transition to Girls Field Hockey and in the same year she helped her 4th seeded team win that State Championship as Captain.

I always say, if you want something bad enough, you will make it a priority. The same inspiration and enthusiasm was applied to my second youngest daughter who had an affinity for collecting all As in high school. When the one historic teacher took lessons to a new level she got frustrated.

She had never experienced this kind of toughness and resiliency from a teacher previously. If she wanted the A she was going to have to prove it to the teacher in a manner that he was satisfied, even if it meant taking time away from other classes. She got all her As, but more importantly she learned a valuable lesson in accepting new and unknown challenges.

I choose to exhibit conscious decisions and emotional responsiveness because I know my children are watching. I relate with each child differently and with individuality because they are unique and wonderful human beings, but also mutually exclusive in their own right– I know these garner strength in my child’s own responsiveness to manage challenges from their perspective. I know in my heart how I relate to each will carry over in some form to their children.  

© 2012 Bruce Buccio

May 14, 2012

Advisory Flyer on 7 Men Types to Avoid

I thought I’d put my stamp on this topic now for the benefit of my daughters and to have a little fun; since after all college is letting out and I’ll want to try and beat the folly (think running of the bulls at Pamplona, Spain!).
Sibling Hearts / Siza Padovan
Spring is in full force, flowers are in bloom, summer is upon us, and new relationships are starting with their usual luster. As the weather warms so do the hearts of young gentlemen and ladies, as well as the young at heart.

I thought I’d put my stamp on this topic now for the benefit of my daughters and to have a little fun; since after all college is letting out and I’ll want to try and beat the folly (think running of the bulls at Pamplona, Spain!).

I’m handing out an advisory flyer to share wisdom on the subject of men and boys a.k.a. men wannabes. One reason for this advisory is for my two youngest, as the college ranks filter into summer attitudes.

Reason number two is for my other two daughters who are out of undergraduate school now and have started their full time lives; you can never hear enough advice from your dad on the subject of men and my thoughts on the matter. You can’t see me smiling as I write this.

A third and final reason, I’ll acknowledge up front, is to spark some discussion, comments and feedback from my readers, so don’t hold back! I’ve touched on this subject previously, with regard to teen dating, in my blog entitled, “Daughters and Dating – Protecting Your Daughter From the Harsh Realities.”

To my daughters:

Here’s my list of types to avoid, whom at this writing you may have already come in contact with in one form or another. You may witness some meaning relating directly to guys in your past. I know you are smart to stay one step ahead of the nonsense and have the wisdom to dissect and work through the absurdity, but lets elaborate on some unusual characteristics we haven’t discussed or in case you missed my class that day (this will be fun):

1) Nice Guy - How many times have I heard, "Dad, he’s a nice guy!" The nice guy is ok as a single attribute when you’re in high school. It’s a fine and acceptable start, but you’ll need more now. Boys charm, Men prove worthy with many consistent acts of chivalry, generosity (I’m not talking about money), and kindness as a standard. This is with everyone in his life, not just when he wants something. He’ll be multi-dimensional. Heed this, its a greater indicator of things to come. If he has nothing else to offer, move on.

2) Narcissist - The one who appears to have great confidence in himself and looks wonderful on the surface, then slowly isolates you from your loved ones such as your family and closest friends. Anyone pulling you away from your social network and lifelines does not have your best interest at heart. It’s all about him. In the contrary, he should be motivated to meet your family and your friends. He should want the best for you even at his own sacrifice and compromise. He’ll want to know your origins. If he wants an exclusive relationship and he has an opportunity to meet your family and chooses against it, then maybe there’s more than meets the eye.

3) Man Child - a.k.a. Mamas Boy, or more plainly the irresponsible and emotionally disconnected. In my youth, names like Billy, Freddy, Johnny, and Tommy were popular. If your guy is not from the South U.S., where these adult names are common, and he’s still going by what his mommy called him when he was little, then maybe questions about his maturity or accepting responsibility to want to grow up should play in mind. I know there may be exceptions. He may be fun and dynamic, perhaps even a free spirit on the surface, which can be attractive initially. Though the likelihood is he’ll never understand commitment or responsibility as long as his mom is still taking care of him. Men have autonomy, speak for themselves, and do their own laundry.

Incidentally, on the subject of names, random or arbitrary ones he selected himself because he didn’t like the name given at birth? When we are boys we go through a phase in our young teens about our names. Why wasn’t I called Clint because Clint Eastwood is cool! We usually get over it and especially by the time we're 14. Coincidentally, my younger brother, Mark, in his infinite youth couldn’t understand why I got the cooler name. Bruce? Really!?!? I asked for a trade!

In my opinion, there’s a maturing process in understanding with what we are given, what we have and where we came from. Guys should accept their names, among other things, and focus on change in other areas. A name doesn’t change who you are; its all about attitude and acceptance of self. Again, perhaps another small indication of larger things to come! There are extra points when there is history or meaning in his name. This says something about his origin and who raised him, in my opinion. For example with my middle name, John, is from a foster child my parents cared for and wanted to adopt before I was born.

4) Control Freak –This calculating persona will never be happy with himself and find redemption in fixing others. He may look good on the surface initially, as he may be a workaholic and be successful in his profession; although this may be more of a result of his stubborn and persistent behavior. This may only be workable if you have a strong personality and can deflect his need to know everything always on your status. He’ll act strong on the outside to hide his weakness in the core; the vulnerability he protects by distracting those around him with his smarts, deflecting persona, and his own pursuit of constant perfection.

5) Seducer - a.k.a. Perennial Bachelor. Real men don’t need to seduce or use vices such as alcohol or shiny objects, as examples, in order to inhibit your ability from knowing what you don’t want. Men only have a need to prove to themselves. Men will invest the time with you, even through a platonic relationship or friendship, in lieu of taking advantage of the moment with seduction. This type isn’t to be confused with the romantic; the difference is winning over your heart as the target opposed to just sex. There’s not a whole lot to say on this type, which is rather pedestrian and not complex. This type should be spotted a mile away.

6) Cheater – a.k.a. Hedonist who likes women almost as much as himself. He may be a great catch and quite possibly a remarkable man in his own achievements, interests and personality. This unfortunately attracts a lot of self-absorbed women who don’t care if he is attached or even married with kids. Don’t focus on the women, only focus on him; how does he handle all the attention? He may have difficulty saying no; read President Clinton or ex-Senator John Edwards. In the contrary, men have backbone, know how to say no, and lay down the law with public expression of his own personal commitments. Further, he won’t have anything to hide. Those who can’t say no only facilitate this kind of behavior from other women.

7) Bad Boy – a.k.a. Free Spirit. On the surface he’s a risk taker, exciting, spontaneous, with roguish exterior and mysterious interior. He may own his actions and be decisive. He may have needs and be sensitive with slight personality constraints; all a recipe for you to jump in and help him fill the voids he lacks. His emotional reliance on you will be attractive initially. Digging a little deeper you’ll find a man with a rocky past, issues with authority, and unrevealing relationship dysfunction. What will result is a dooming situation that leaves you with financial loss because he’s probably not working and him running for the next best situation you weren’t even aware.

As with everything, there’s always a silver lining. On the other side of the coin, I have a recommendation:

The Diamond – As with regard to “in the rough.” I know, good luck finding him? Chances are, he’ll find you. He’s confident, fun, witty, reliable, dependable, and most of all, proven and consistent over time. He’ll be your partner and you’ll work together as a team. He’ll have your respect; you’ll have his undying love. You’ll have similar or common interests. Learning and discovering together how to manage similar interests successfully may be foresight for how things will work in a better, larger venue.

To all successful relationships, friendship is the foundation, in my opinion. Friends have respect with one another and trust is learned quickly. There are no pre-conceived notions with friends, which allows you to be uninhibited and grow. Friends usually have common interests; that’s perhaps how you met. You get to observe and learn about each other over time and see character, strengths, friends, family, and personal philosophy about life, challenges, and achievements.

In the contrary, opposites do attract; unfortunately in the long term, they don’t stay together. When we're young, we find others to fill voids in our own lives and we even marry them and have children. Then we grow up and discover one day we're two different people, with no common interests. We didn’t change, only our perspectives matured.

Similar interests, philosophies, and thinking foster and attract energy and longevity. There are always exceptions and relationships are not perfect. The “7 men types to avoid” is more a list of things to heed and this should facilitate healthier conclusions.

Were these types on the mark? What advice would you have to share?

© 2012 Bruce Buccio

April 11, 2012

10 Rules For Your Day When Life Hands You Lemons - Don't Make Lemon-Aid

When life hands you lemons, throw them right back
Life's Lemons / Moyan_Brenn
Throw them right back. Life has a way of being your teacher; sometimes you are going to get a hard lesson. The timing may not be agreeable either, but you grieve and then you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and you move forward. 

For the single parent, supplant a smile on your face. If you have a significant other, you don’t need me to tell you. Either way, your misfortune doesn’t necessitate personally involving your children. They don’t own your problem and certainly don’t need to be impacted by stray emotions as a result.

Keep moving. Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t let them see you sweat. Keep moving. Your children are going to know something is up and you won't be able to hide emotions from your loved ones; they know your mannerisms and nuances perhaps better than anyone may. Nevertheless, don’t let your children absorb your pain when it comes to your predicament. 

Show them you know they know, but that you own your problem and you will work through it. Allow your teens to be consumed in their own lives;  they may not fight you on that and life doesn’t really stop for anyone. Provide your little ones additional comfort. Share with all in the gift of compassion and humility.
Here’s something to take with you, if not just for the day, then better if it stays with you:
Rules for your Daily Life ©

1. Don’t be sensitive, relax

2. Do not accept nonsense

3. Be yourself

4. Feel confident you are ok

5. No matter what others actions, what others say, be you
6. Find peace within, recall what’s inside
7. Be humble

8. Surrender to the sh*t, its all good
9. Believe in yourself
10. You are a remarkable, wonderful human being
© All Rights Reserved, December 2007
Permission to copy for personal use. Put on a business card and laminate; let these words resonate through your day. Keep moving. Keep smiling. If it’s in your spirit, pray.

© 2012 Bruce Buccio

March 27, 2012

Should I leave my spouse?

single parenting, divorce, children are a priority, decree, parenting
Family Reflection/ Beth Jeffrey
There’s a new epidemic hitting our families and its called Single Parenting. In the U.S. alone, we reached an astounding 40% of all live births that are now to unwed mothers. Our Y Generation or “20 some-things “ are leading the increase with an astonishing 30% pregnancy rate out of wedlock. In the same recent U.S. Census Report, 29.5% of all households are now single-family status with children.

Two U.S. Senators from Wisconsin are making a stand on the trending statistic in their home state; a bill aimed at public awareness, based on a rise in domestic issues toward children resulting from single parenthood. When we have children and are considering leaving our spouse, we are delving into a world that leaves

March 6, 2012

I Have Myself

What is real happiness/ ElyceFeliz
What makes you happy? It’s a question you won’t ponder very long. It’s an answer you already know. I’m not asking if you are happy right here in the moment. I’m talking about the kind where you can’t really point to any one area in your life for an answer; you just know you are happy.

If you take away every object you own, how would you feel? There are no tangible dependencies to being happy.  By finding purpose and exercising our passion is an essential part of finding happiness in my opinion. Doing what we are passionate about excites the senses. What would happen if we took a leap of faith and explored our passion?

We can all agree happiness isn’t material. Money doesn’t create happiness, but we can’t deny it certainly helps if used properly. Providing money to those in need or using it to help others provide some form of relief will elicit good feelings.

I can reach out to those in need. I can in fact be in control of and achieve my own happiness actually. I have myself. I didn’t always understand this. I wasn’t being shortsighted. I realize on any given day, I can bring happiness into my life by reaching out to others, giving my time, my focus, and by my writing.

For some its something you’ve had all your life.

Happiness is very natural for some. For others, like me, true happiness is a revelation you reach eventually. If you take every tangible material object away and you still own your happiness, then I believe you are truly happy. You have an inner peace that’s not disturbed.

~ Happiness is what’s in your heart and excites purpose and motivation to do good for others and therefore yourself. ~

Read again, and absorb what this means to you.

Still, there are those who have been chasing personal happiness all their lives; not knowing how to achieve or what steps to take. Some accept that’s the way it is. That’s sad. For any reason happiness is on your mind, I hope you‘ll find comfort and/ or consolation in reading more.

I don’t believe Happiness is complicated.

Or it doesn’t have to be. It really doesn’t. We all can share the same equation; it’s up to us to fill in the constants.

~ A constant is anything close to you and is consistently a positive aspect in your life; anything that’s constantly eliciting positive feelings. ~

Setting aside or removing anything else that falls outside of this category will help you achieve happiness. Other constants we can place in the equation are actionable substance that fill your heart or feed your soul.

Examples of these, to name a few, are:

  • Giving
  • Finding purpose
  • Generosity
  • Sharing or creating bonded relationships
  • Self-effacing acts of kindness
  • Love

Reaching out to others in need or standing side-be-side sharing the same goals would elicit bonds and good feelings. Wouldn’t life be grand if we all could elicit happiness by these gestures? Perhaps feeding a perpetual wave of goodness spreading happiness around us.

God will support me.

To me, you cannot have a discussion about happiness without God. Having God in my life makes things easier for me. I know I will still have struggles from time to time. The valleys in life won’t go away; things happen.

I personally rely on The Serenity Prayer, provided to us by the theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Insightfulness to this prayer has encouraged me to change.

Trusting in God and understanding he has something in store for me is essential. He will test me and consequently make me a better person. I can rely on him to show me the way. Knowing God loves me is one of my constants.

Happiness is like a shield.

Happiness protects you from negativity, small-unexpected challenges, or the problems that others would like to share and suck you in. Yet, while happy, none of these can bring you down or impact you. Being truly happy may develop the need to help those who share in misery.

Some see the mark and are trying to get there. You have purpose. You are working hard. You can feel the need to complete your task. You know eventually you will get there. This positive energy and thinking will insight happiness.

Happiness can be elusive.

I know I can’t physically hold happiness; it’s not tangible. It will escape me if I don’t practice it. When I can’t see it on my face or feel it in my gut anymore I do know where I can find it. With some act of kindness or generosity I can generate something in my heart. I can reach out to others with compassion.

Its always there. You just have to bring it out. If you believe in yourself, you’ll find happiness. Believing in you will make all the difference. When I cannot point to any one particular area or thing and still just be happy, I know I‘ve found it.

We have vices we depend on for the short term.

There are and will be things or should I say vices that we will and can rely on, maybe even depend on for happiness. We’ll go for that therapeutic run, eat the ice cream, make an impulsive buy.

These are all things that create a smile or derive pleasure. Guilty pleasures help smooth out the bumps we’ll invariably encounter along the way. Each vice helps achieve a quick status. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, habitually or impulsively reaching for and/ or buying objects will only fill a void temporarily.

I digress.

Every time I ride my Roadliner I admit I go somewhere else. Its somewhat spiritual to me and meditative. I chuckle as I write this but its so true. Everything goes away. I’m one with my surroundings and in the present.

There’s a connection I reach. I feel protected and its almost hard to describe, though It’s just two wheels between the road and me. Eventually, when the ride is over, I’ve whisked away any plausible tension or sense of urgency. I come back to my senses and I’m grounded again. I’m humbled. The ride makes me happy and will resonate.

In the end, Happiness is substance.

You may point to a number of things or areas, which make you smile and reminisce. I’d like you to reach for the substance that draws contentment and exhilaration; the very essence of happiness in my opinion. These are the things that you would marvel about, make your eyes shine, and create a feeling of warmth in your chest.

Things which come to mind for me are falling in love, the closeness in my relationship, family events and holidays, watching my kids grow up and achieve milestones in their lives, being a part of defining moments for my children, being there for my kids when they needed me, and having the opportunity to being a father. These stir my heart.

These provide meaning for me and that’s important. I can find purpose in that. Perhaps if I look broader at these areas I can see how important it is to having others in my life that truly care about me, having family who accepts my love, and engaging in profound relationships.

I can make it even simpler. How about taking gratitude in having others in my life? I am thankful. Once more, I can give back if I rest on an appreciation for the small things I have to offer: my health, beauty in my heart, my smile. These are things I own and no one can take away. I can achieve real happiness if I put my mind to it and use the gifts I already have.

Here are 8 Keys to finding Harmony and Balance in your life. For those who believe happiness is a big step right now, these keys will install confidence and bridge your ability to achieve happiness.

© 2012 Bruce Buccio