I read somewhere courage is fear with a lot of prayers. One
thing I hear more, from others in the throes of marital transition, is fear of
what the other will say in divorce proceedings and what will the judge think.
I say, give more credit to the judicial system. Staying
focused on your gifts as a parent and sustaining a consistent, safe, loving and
predictable environment for your child will win more hearts including the
judge’s. This is the foundation on which to build your platform for a new and
everlasting bond with your kids. Your kids will be depending on you.
I never went to court during my divorce since I negotiated
out of court. In hindsight now that I’m older and wiser, that should have been
a deeper consideration. If I felt comfortable with my relationship in my kids
and my parenting skills, I should have let the judge review my situation in person.
Eventually, I went back and won custody and brought my kids
home fulltime. I didn’t need a
lawyer, but I had one anyway and I sought several opinions. Personally, I recommend seeking and
talking to 5-6 lawyers quite honestly. That may just mean you’ll receive 5-6
different opinions and that’s why you seek so many. What’s important to you
will surface.
Divorce can bring up all kinds of emotions regardless of
whether you are the one filing. The very thought of being on your own without your
kids, if even temporarily, can be upsetting. Thoughts of
whether it’s wise and just stay in the marriage may linger. Should I work it out? Should I leave my spouse? Thoughts and confusion will deepen your angst of whether you are doing the right thing.
whether it’s wise and just stay in the marriage may linger. Should I work it out? Should I leave my spouse? Thoughts and confusion will deepen your angst of whether you are doing the right thing.
Heartache is going to happen if you decide to separate. You
may already be there. Weighing your life in the situation and how to move
forward while impacting others around you, including your kids and partner, is
the highest consideration on your mind right now.
If
you are thinking about the kids already you are on the right mark. That’s
where your focus should be in this precarious place. Before you pull the trigger on separation, whether it’s cordial
or not with your spouse, get ready for the rollercoaster of a lifetime.
If you are communicating with your partner, then working an
agreement or arrangement out in advance or even filing the papers together is
wise and has long-term healthy emotional, and financial benefits. Bringing your
file to a lawyer for review is prudent. If additional time with your kids is
your priority, bring it to court.
If you and your spouse have agreed mutually on your split, moving
forward and letting go of the past is the best advice anyone can give you. Finding
harmony and balance is your new standard.
If
your new household status is not mutual, or at least not amicable, for any
reason, forget about your ex-partner’s actions or words. Separation hurts
and it sucks for both of you, but your next steps could save you and your kids more
heartache in the long run.
Fighting and arguing with your spouse is real money. Time
costs money. Ego and scorned love is money. The best alternative- think of the
kids and move on. Focus on the
kids, your gifts as a parent, and your new household. Emotions are exhausting.
Accepting your new life’s twists and turns will prepare you
for change and challenge, which by the way results in growth. Your growth
translates harmoniously into your child’s outlook and therefore their lives. You
may not be seeing it now, but your new life may just make you happy again.
Get as much time you can warrant in your kids lives. Children
need both their parents more than ever right now. While it may be hard to
understand initially, your kids love both of you regardless of how dire the
circumstances or who screwed up.
When committed to divorce, here is your new strategy for you
and your children:
First order of business, learn to ignore the chatter. What
you hear through small lips is not important- it doesn’t change the fact you
are a loving caring person who holds the best interests of your children and
their hearts. Look
beyond the adversity. What you
hear through adult lips shouldn’t matter either. Additionally, a great division
of friends will occur regardless of your feelings or outcome of the divorce. Let
it go.
Second, take ownership of the issues you need to work on and
do them privately. There’s no need to include the children. Allow the
children to see you own your issue and that you will work through it- that you know
they see your pain, but you can fix it. Moreover, your children can focus on
being kids more without carrying the burden or anxiety they see in their mom or
dad.
Third, understanding your roles/ responsibilities. They are
the same as before – its only that the living arrangements have changed should
be your child’s new perspective. The relationship as provider, caregiver,
loving bond, and general support doesn’t change. Even more so, great
consideration should be made for improvement to these areas now.
Fourth, keep moving is imperative. It won’t be easy and
there will be days that you won’t want to leave your bedside. Start the healing
process and grieve, but find ways to keep yourself up and about. Start organizing
and re-prioritizing your life- cleanup the mess both literally and
figuratively. Finding and maintaining healthy distractions is now your new
norm. Placing energy in your child’s well-being while all parties adjust is a
good form of healthy.
Fifth, staying positive. Easier said than done, but looking
back will only make you dizzy. Keeping your mind and eyes peeled on the horizon
is now your new motivation. Once you have started to balance well on your own
feet, start setting targets for the new life that waits.
Sixth is self-compassion-
a sort of “…antitoxin to the soul.” Be easier on your self. Don’t beat yourself
up. Rather understand life can be your teacher and will throw you hard lessons,
but understand you have limits, you are not perfect, you are only human, and
there is Devine passage to the next chapter in your life. God is looking after
you.
Courage is fear with a lot of prayers. Separation leading to
divorce is an anxious and stressful time for not only you, but those around you.
Emotions will be riding high- pace
yourself, allow acceptance of self, and trust in your ability to be a remarkable parent. Your gifts as a parent are weighing most
in the lives around you. Build your platform for an eternal bond with your
kids. Your kids are depending on you.
Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.
-photo credit: Jeremy1786/ Flickr
© 2012 Bruce Buccio
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