"Throughout this book, I felt Bruce had a secret window into my own life and private thoughts. Many private feelings I am currently dealing with were addressed and revealed in a manner that made me feel it is not only normal, but I am truly not alone in this. I was surprised that I cried while reading it and the comfort that the words brought me. I read tons of self-help books, among other types of books, and this book actually gives me hope and things to look forward to. My tears were from the fact that I am facing the words I read. I have been getting negative feedback from outside sources and these words reassured me not to listen, keep them out of your life and do what is right. The section on the other home/parent opened my eyes and freed me. I did not go into reading this book thinking it would help me on such a deep emotional level." ~Dorothy Justice, Vice Chair-Community Action Partnership

September 22, 2014

Single Status Through The Parade of Holidays

Few enjoy returning to family on festive holidays without someone in tow- a kind of shield if you will. Lets admit having someone on our arm helps deflect the questioning and certain glances we could do without.
With the entire summer season done and quickly becoming a distant memory, those flying solo know, consciously or otherwise, the parade of holidays is just over the horizon. It's that gamut of dates through winter which heighten emotions about going single handed, being alone or without love.

Few enjoy returning to family on festive holidays without someone in tow- a kind of shield if you will. Lets admit having someone on our arm helps deflect the questioning and certain glances we could do without. You know the ones who are thinking or saying it-- the "poor so-and-so has no one in their life." As if you can't take care of your self or be alone and still be happy. 

Well, that's yesterdays news. Times have changed. Single status has more glory, or teeth if you will, by today's standards. Yes. You can be happy right where you are and still have no desire to date. After all, there’s no need to date when its all wrong. 

Once upon a time I planned a two-year sabbatical free from intimate relationships during a period in my life through 2007 and most of 2008. It was a personal time for reflection. It helped and I succeeded in ways that were not comprehensible in the beginning. 

I touch on this period in my life in the post, 8 Keys to Finding Harmony and Balance, a self discovery and investigation after acknowledging a few hefty years looking in the wrong direction. During this time, I focused on my kids, my career and me- in that order. I had reached a 10-year anniversary of my divorce and had just ended a significant relationship. They weren't related. It was mere coincidence. 

But still as I looked back I wasn't happy with my current status. I took a step back and reviewed the picture I created. If there is one sole item I walked away with, it's simple relationships with people is all that we need-- that love isn’t as important if you love yourself. 

For some, intimacy is the icing on the cake we’d like to ignore or put aside because we know its not good for us right now. And that’s ok. Some may date more thinking we need to have another person in our lives for our children. I've been in both places while single. Early on, I thought it was imperative for my children to see me in a loving relationship and with a woman who could also be a significant role model.

During my personal trials of dating, I subjected myself from the moving-way-to-fast to the inexplicable and why-am-I-doing-this. Regardless, I always stayed true when it came to my children. With few exceptions, I kept my personal life private and my kids were always my priority.

One dynamic element to dating is where do the children relate. It's really not wise to bring the children into the picture until you’ve reached a certain plateau with the other person in your life. From my own personal experiences, 3-6 months is a good rule of thumb for introducing the children and only when exclusive with the other party. Meeting my children was a privilege in my opinion.

So build that parade platform, ready your self for the ride, single or not, bring in the holidays with great spirit and especially with a renewed attitude. Find all opportunities to be with family and friends to bring in the festivities or host your own party, and take a "bite" out of the projections from naysayers who want to perceive otherwise. 

All relationships are vital to our well-being. Having people near, such as friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and most acquaintances help us learn more about ourselves. There’s so much to gain by reaching out through existing and new extended areas of our lives. When generating opportunity for being with others in School, Career, Hobbies, Sports, etc, something may just happen by natural progression. That’s significant.

Here are some quick and fast rules to honor when dating as single parents:

1.    Meeting your children is a privilege and only after you are exclusive.
2.    Apply 3 to 6 months to gauge when to enter the kids regardless of holidays.
3.    Single with children through the holidays has too many benefits to overlook.
4.    Friendship is the foundation to all things good.

Bruce Buccio resides in a small cozy town in Colorado with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, and author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed child advocate and expert helping families professionally in mediation, parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love. 

© 2014 Bruce Buccio

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing I found your 4 points very insightful and spot on! I have recently got back into a relationship and I like that you stated meeting the children is a privilege. Nicole