Teach Your Children Well

This article is the tenth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The ninth or last segment published, “Being A Reliable Resource” helped with identifying how to communicate your love and support effectively with your children during this critical time in your lives.

This segment, “Teach Your Children Well”, supports the individual times you have created with your children by showing opportunity doesn’t stop because of divorce. By this time in your transitional development, you are building structure and adding stability back into your kid’s lives, creating new rituals with your children with any number of family rituals I personally developed, and you
are becoming a consistent and reliable resource for your children.

You may think divorce is the end of the world. Depending on your circumstances, it’s certainly understandable as we’ve all been there initially. Divorce is no easy task regardless of your situation and it brings along with it fears and pains from the past and about the future. But, does this feeling project onto your kids?

You will grieve and you may feel reprieve as you release what could be insurmountable differences in your marriage. Other than the living arrangements, nothing else really needs to change. Depending on your perspective you may feel everything changes and it’s all about survival mode.

Well, you are a survivor! That doesn’t mean you have to approach life as a victim. Life does have setbacks but we find the will and move forward to bigger and better things. Things do improve. Our view of optimism helps!

Our kids can learn from our experiences by seeing how we approach adversity. There are positives in this cloud hanging over us—the ubiquitous silver lining. Accepting challenges and changes and creating opportunity from them will support growth. We show life can present hard lessons, but we pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and move on.

  

For me personally, I didn’t want my divorce to impact the way my kids viewed the world. This doesn’t mean I didn’t grieve. It certainly doesn’t mean they weren’t affected. I still wanted my kids to excel and face life as though nothing really changes (I learned to mitigate some of the dramatic elements) other than household status. After all they didn’t ask for this divorce.

Lets face it, life doesn’t really stop for anyone. How I handled my challenges could be projected inadvertently on my young. If I felt bad or was losing an appreciation for my new status I did it elsewhere. I worked for maintaining strength in the eyes of my little ones to accept setbacks, but to also challenge them.

I didn’t want them to become vulnerable like the many publically documented impacts that come with single parenting. I couldn’t be with them all the time, but I could do my part when they were with me. I could make a difference--I could do it with my involvement and how I participated in their lives. I could inspire through my love and dedication!

I could teach and mentor throughout this obscure area in our lives. I could talk to them and share good dialogue—impressing upon them they had a dad who cared more about their well being than in the obstacles that wanted to stand in our way.

I embraced their young hearts in lieu of their experience. I knew my actions counted for something. I viewed them as young, smart, fearless, resilient, children with innocent hearts. I could change the outcome over what fate wanted to label a child of divorce and all the stigma that came.

I wanted my children to have the same family benefits as their two-parent household peers. We could still approach our days with veracity, love, acceptance, and joy. I learned to ignore the chatter and the standard that wanted to define us. We did it by accepting our family status and advancing forward.

I encouraged them to ask good pertinent questions. You want this type of dialogue to start early while expressing yourself calmly in a language they understand. I opened our relationship to stand for more. I would feed their curiosity.

Every opportunity I had, I did my best to bring the outside world to my children through experiences. We planned, but we were also spontaneous and made time for getting out--in the process we learned a little about our selves and each other.

We approached change, challenge, and growth together and learned value and approval with each other. I showed them life could be your teacher and what is important is it's in how we respond to adversity that matters most.

Divorce isn’t the end of the world, obviously. It may bring fears and pains, though don’t let it project onto your kids. You are allowed to grieve as you accept the reality of your situation.  However, your kids have so much more to learn from how you accept change and define your life as you move forward to a brighter, deeper, future together.

Next Up! The eleventh segment, “Staying Positive”, will help with looking inward for insightful personal change and ownership, but while not judging yourself.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA,  is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

© 2013 Bruce Buccio