Is there good merit to developing a well-adjusted child featuring their independence

The concept of planning to raise a child who’ll develop instincts with keen ambition and enthusiasm to always do well is, in theory and in practice, very feasible. 

There is good merit and lasting fulfillment to developing a well-adjusted child in a supportive and responsive environment featuring independence, maturity, self-reliance, self-control, curiosity, friendliness and achievement.

With Independence Day drawing near, it makes me think about another twist regarding this important day. My kids' independence. The web offers a long list of parenting styles and opinions on what’s the best way to parent your children. I recall shortly before the web came into play, we had to rely on books written by doctors. 

Even after divorcing, (the same year as the advent of the world wide web) I had no desire to use the internet for parenting-- I knew what was important. 

Today everyone has an opinion on the matters of raising children, including me. My thoughts are based on my personal experiences raising children through three phases of marital status: marriage, co-parenting, and then single parenting with an absent ex-spouse when I achieved full custody.

My only request, and only discussion on the matter of raising children incidentally, to my kid’s mom was no hitting. Spanking as a discipline was how she was raised and preferred to stay with that approach. I grew up in a household where a belt was used.

I knew before my 21st birthday that I wanted children and I wanted it to be different. I wanted more involvement and engagement in my children’s lives. I thought about more availability to intellectual, emotional, and shared activities.

I thought about a good balance of clearly stated, high demands with emotional responsiveness and respect for my child's autonomy. I would promote an atmosphere where I could teach values and good virtue. I would make my children a priority and I never waivered from this approach, even through three phases of household status.

From the time my little ones began running through the home with self-confidence, we moved their activity to the playground. In my opinion, this was where and when my children were ready (and with the right dynamics and atmosphere in place) for me to encourage and cultivate their liberties.

Here there was room to explore, make friends, show off, fall and get hurt, be humbled, cry, find empathy in others, get acquainted, and soar with excitement and enthusiasm among other benefits. I watched carefully on how each responded to all these dynamics surrounding the playground.

Scrapes and bruises were plenty-- each child would seek out my comfort for all dilemmas initially. As long as each child knew and trusted my availability was just a few steps away, they would gain confidence in their new world. Sometimes comfort that I was near is all that was needed and maybe a Band-Aid other times.

I let my loved ones run the gamut-- engaging when time warranted and letting them soar when they released me. My confidence and beaming smile may have been their inspiration. My outward and embracing arms would become a landing and launching pad for each. As they grew older, the surroundings and environment changed, though my endearing and inspiring confidence remained with my smiling face.

From the household to the playground to more structured environments such as school, organized sports, or any other set of a number of intellectual and/or physical interactive interests, new stepping stones provided overall inspired them to take larger steps. My unwavering support was always in play. 

Here are five staples I developed for my children:

Learn to take Risk. Taking risks is ok, if your child understands and is ready to accept the consequences. Risk isn't a word we normally choose when talking with our children. We all know risks too well as adults. As a child and especially into our teens we never labeled it "risks". It may have been referred to simply as taking chances, not thinking, or maybe just a little too much fun. Are you with me?

Learn to help themselves. Perhaps the hardest part of being a parent is watching your child fall; the proverbial face plant in the midst of one of life’s critical moments. There is no guidebook on how a child should endure life’s little challenges. How you handle your observations, from a parent point of view is what separates you from the pack.

Learn to get involved. Even at the very lowest recreational level, sports or any engaging activity can expose a child to social interaction influenced primarily by positive situations. In this example I use sports. If recognized and supported properly this can help build character in your child. Exposure to sports at any level will open your child to issues, which parallel life in general.

Learn from structure. Build routine into your child’s lives. Allow them to be and feel safe with their new arrangement. Make your children your priority. Find and create as much time as possible with your kids.

Learn from good discipline. Finding the right balance that works with your child is your prerogative, within reason of course. What would happen if you were to start reasoning with your child with rationale and a good understanding of the issues as if you were... mentoring.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, Author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed state child advocate and expert counseling families professionally in parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children as single dad, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Photo courtesy "sheknows.com"

© 2014 Bruce Buccio

Celebrating Fathers Day- What it means to be a Father

Dads are King of the Mountain / Jennifer Cawley

Lets just move to the point. Being a dad is a blessing. For most fathers I don’t need to explain. Its difficult putting the right words together expressing to dads-to-be or childless men what it means to be a father.  How do you explain to someone who has never had the connection or the feeling developed between a father and his child?  There is no other encounter one can match to identify with this experience.  It doesn’t exist.

When a child loves you unconditionally and depends on you for their very existence, it forever changes a man. By building a relationship with your child, you learn some very important attributes about being a gentle giant.

More than any sport, exercise or workout regimen, or career, a man will learn endurance, staying power, strength, resilience, determination, and fortitude. More than football, rugby, and ice hockey, or even a mountain climb, a child will test your very limits without trying or knowing. You can hang up your cleats or skates and return to action another time, but not with your infant.

Having a child for the first time challenges a man’s stamina- his heart, backbone, and mindset. This conversion will turn the biggest and strongest of men into caring, gentle, and sensitive beings with their new bundle. The event separates the men from the boys.

Being a father isn’t innate, in my opinion, like a mother’s native instinct to her newborn- this is a very natural and wholesome bond. A new infant equals instant connection to her/his mother. There’s no middle step.

New dads have to work at it through trial and error and progression. Some dads are naturals and very fortunate – perhaps having good parents, family, and community to help mold him into the man he is today. Even this is no guarantee he’ll be a good dad.

Being a father isn’t just for anyone. Too often some just turn their backs. Where are they going? Perhaps by walking away some may speculate is better for the child in the long run. Negatives in a child’s life would be worse than nothing at all, in my opinion. It’s crucial for children to have fathers in their lives, though. Some never get it. They are too weak to comprehend the magnitude of their decision.

Some dads just accept they are in over their heads and never rebound. You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Unfortunately, others give up before they even start. Imagine their growth and mutual benefit if they didn’t walk away. For all the ones who walk, I hope there is another who steps up.

You don’t have to help in a child’s conception to be a good dad. You can still show a child how awesome and approve of with loving acceptance without the bio credentials. Your support in raising a child could make all the difference in a child’s outlook and life.

Regardless of childhood or past experiences, you can tell a good dad right away just by his attempt. Being a good dad starts with self-discipline and desire to be the one who counts. Yes, lives are counting on you.

There may not be enough room here to express what it means to me about being my kids’ dad. I have grown to understand my children. They are a part of me. Our relationship started in the middle of the night next to their crib- holding, swaying, whispering, humming, etc.

Our connection grew through feedings, diaper changes, and early Saturday mornings so their mother could sleep in. Just for the record, I slept in on Sunday mornings. We worked like a wrestling tagging team- how else could you conquer four little ones?

Beyond self-discipline and desire came preservation, courage, and self-effacing acts of kindness. I embrace their young hearts in lieu of their experience- I know I can make mistakes too.

I love my kids even if it means being stern and stubborn for their own good. Every step I utilize has some benefit to my children even if they don’t see through it or understand it initially. I stand my ground knowing when they have their own kids, they will get it.

What I enjoy most about being a dad is developing their dependence into independence. I mentor, respond, show through example, provide through structure and consistent discipline. We explored together, learned together. I did my best to bring the outside world to them through new experiences and family rituals.

We touched on sports and academia, chased personal interests, and explored our geographical surroundings and beyond to four corners of the US.  Regardless of the landscape, we worked together as a team and learned something about ourselves in the process. We are teachers and mentors.

Without children who would we be? What man would exist where we stand right now? Raising a child teaches us who we are and what defines us. It helps us move beyond our limits and stand at the edge. You can take all the personal achievements in the world strewn with awards, trophies, medals, career promotions, peer accolades, and financial reward- I can vouch, nothing bests the relationships and qualities you gain as a father.

For all the good ones, I raise my glass and I salute you. Happy Fathers Day!

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, Author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed state child advocate and expert counseling families professionally in parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children as single dad, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

© 2014 Bruce Buccio