12 Steps to Freedom - Based on a True Story

One of the most, if not thee most difficult times you will endure will be during a marital separation. Going through my divorce with children tested every part of my being and while my divorce wasn't particularly nasty, it wasn't a walk in the park either.  Unknown to me at the time was the real test hadn’t come yet. The larger ordeal would come after the divorce.    

After a one-year separation, it took roughly an additional two years after the final divorce proceedings to work through emotional healing, coping with challenges from their mom, and helping my children acclimate to "change." The following list is a compilation of steps that I learned and accomplished with my children over the first three years. Achieving this list won’t be easy, but while working through the nonsense and staying your course is vital to your success, the overall outcome with your children is worth it.

One unforeseen benefit from encountering and embracing these points will be the growth in your relationships with your children. It’s hard to see now, but the depth and awareness you find with your children will be profound. Eventually, I went to court and brought my children home full-time. By this time, fortunately, I had already shared mutual understanding, trust, love, and respect with my children. It's the points below, that got us there.

Here are the 12 points to success as you transition with your children:

1. Preparing for Change- LIFE may look disheartening on the surface, but a little deeper, closer look and there’s more than meets the eye. Nothing quite prepares us for this period, but it’s best to do with integrity and dignity. It doesn’t matter how the ex responds to change. It’s now your life moving forward while you go solo.

2. New household status- YOU are the boss of your own domain now. If you haven’t realized this already, this is now the time to take notice. One of the benefits to new single status is doing things your way and for your kids- release the inner voice held over from your ex that says otherwise. Buying new furniture or moving furniture the way you like or buying food for your diet and your cooking preferences is the new you. Change it up!

3. Adjusting to new life- BREAKUPS don't end well, but that doesn’t matter anymore. The pains are still there which may drag up fears about your future, but you’re in a new place now with your new life and new heart- creating new habits, practices, and disciplines is your new norm. A good healthy distraction is your kids. Your children are your primary focus now along with you and career. They are depending on you now more than ever.

4. Integrating into your kid’s lives- RELATIONSHIPS with your children have new meaning regardless of your status prior to divorce; you have new opportunity to build deeper bonds merely from the additional individual closeness and time together. Your consistency here will develop a connection naturally over time.  This is irreversible. Eventually you will see how your relationships with your children deepen and you grow into a changed person with your new perspective.

5. Working past the ex, negativity, and games- DIVORCE means the negativity can stop now- this was your married life, there's no reason to funnel or amplify the past. You went through the hassles of the divorce negotiations, so don’t get entangled or prolong the anxiety. Don’t react, but rather respond. No matter what you hear through small lips, defuse immature tactics with your warm persona, hugs, kisses, and smile with your children. It’ll be hard to hear, among other things, but do this as a rule and show your loved one through example- no muss no fuss.

6. Moving forward- HORIZONS are your new outlook. If you put too much emphasis on the other camp or keep looking back, you’ll only distract yourself from what’s really important in front of you. Stay focused on your kids in your household. It doesn’t matter what the other party is doing or saying- play out your new life designed to benefit your children and you. Play by the rules and play nice with the ex- honor the decree and enforce when necessary. When it comes to holidays or that special parenting day comes around annually, be flexible.

7. Building structure- PROCESSING divorce is a time that is confusing for everyone. Add stability back into your kid’s lives by developing and building a framework of consistency and predictability into your home life. Structure is vital to your child’s long-term emotional health. Allocate times for important milestones in your day- such as playtime, meals, homework, bath, bed, etc.

8. Developing rituals with your children- DEVELOP your family rituals. Here are some examples. By developing and bringing rituals into our home, we develop an accord. Family rituals provide opportunity for re-affirming and developing family values, faith, and life experiences. These experiences are a hidden reinforcement everything is going to be ok.

9. Being a reliable resource – PRIORITIES are your children first. Share your intel: cell#, email, skype id, facetime id etc.. Communicate frequently and often with your children on your plans, travel, work, and schedule changes as though nothing has changed accept your living arrangements. Show through example, you will be there when needed. It may help to inform your work in advance you have a new household status and last minute notices may occur for daycare or school, etc as you adjust.

10. Teach your children well -- DIVORCE isn’t the end of the world, obviously. It may bring fears and pains, though don’t let it project onto your kids. You are allowed to grieve as you accept the reality of your situation.  However, your kids have so much more to learn from how you accept change and define your life as you move forward to a brighter, deeper, future together. 

11. Staying positive – EMOTIONS mean you will and should grieve from loss. Be selective when choosing your battles- look inward for insightful personal change and ownership. You will know when you are whole and complete again. It might not happen today or tomorrow, but you’ll feel it eventually if you employ many of the tricks and tips within. 

12. Sticking with what works – TRUST your parenting. Identify with your personal and parental gifts. If you don’t know what those are, here are a few to consider- love, patience, hugs, smiles, positive notes, holding hands, cooking, learning together, growing together, taking ownership, leading by example, not playing the victim, humor, and thoughtful acts of kindness.

The other camp may not appreciate the bright spots you will develop (and there will be plenty) with your children, but stay the course as outlined above, ignore the chatter, play nice, and everything will be ok- my personal guarantee and stamp of approval lies within.

My book, "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life and Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter", is based in whole from these concepts and therefore my successes. Join my awareness program that correlates and supports the same strategies and philosophies. You can learn more about this program here and provide input or feedback based on your very unique circumstances. 

Bruce Buccio counsels and mentors single and co-parents professionally in Parenting, Relationships, Personal Growth and Life Changes. Bruce is Mediator, Court Appointed Child Advocate. Bruce writes today about inspiration, growth and love.

© 2020- Bruce Buccio

Single Status Through The Parade of Holidays

With the entire summer season done and quickly becoming a distant memory, those flying solo know, consciously or otherwise, the parade of holidays is just over the horizon. It's that gamut of dates through winter which heighten emotions about going single handed, being alone or without love.

Few enjoy returning to family on festive holidays without someone in tow- a kind of shield if you will. Lets admit having someone on our arm helps deflect the questioning and certain glances we could do without. You know the ones who are thinking or saying it-- the "poor so-and-so has no one in their life." As if you can't take care of your self or be alone and still be happy. 

Well, that's yesterdays news. Times have changed. Single status has more glory, or teeth if you will, by today's standards. Yes. You can be happy right where you are and still have no desire to date. After all, there’s no need to date when its all wrong. 

Once upon a time I planned a two-year sabbatical free from intimate relationships during a period in my life through 2007 and most of 2008. It was a personal time for reflection. It helped and I succeeded in ways that were not comprehensible in the beginning. 

I touch on this period in my life in the post, 8 Keys to Finding Harmony and Balance, a self discovery and investigation after acknowledging a few hefty years looking in the wrong direction. During this time, I focused on my kids, my career and me- in that order. I had reached a 10-year anniversary of my divorce and had just ended a significant relationship. They weren't related. It was mere coincidence. 

But still as I looked back I wasn't happy with my current status. I took a step back and reviewed the picture I created. If there is one sole item I walked away with, it's simple relationships with people is all that we need-- that love isn’t as important if you love yourself. 

For some, intimacy is the icing on the cake we’d like to ignore or put aside because we know its not good for us right now. And that’s ok. Some may date more thinking we need to have another person in our lives for our children. I've been in both places while single. Early on, I thought it was imperative for my children to see me in a loving relationship and with a woman who could also be a significant role model.

During my personal trials of dating, I subjected myself from the moving-way-to-fast to the inexplicable and why-am-I-doing-this. Regardless, I always stayed true when it came to my children. With few exceptions, I kept my personal life private and my kids were always my priority.

One dynamic element to dating is where do the children relate. It's really not wise to bring the children into the picture until you’ve reached a certain plateau with the other person in your life. From my own personal experiences, 3-6 months is a good rule of thumb for introducing the children and only when exclusive with the other party. Meeting my children was a privilege in my opinion.

So build that parade platform, ready your self for the ride, single or not, bring in the holidays with great spirit and especially with a renewed attitude. Find all opportunities to be with family and friends to bring in the festivities or host your own party, and take a "bite" out of the projections from naysayers who want to perceive otherwise. 

All relationships are vital to our well-being. Having people near, such as friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and most acquaintances help us learn more about ourselves. There’s so much to gain by reaching out through existing and new extended areas of our lives. When generating opportunity for being with others in School, Career, Hobbies, Sports, etc, something may just happen by natural progression. That’s significant.

Here are some quick and fast rules to honor when dating as single parents:

1.    Meeting your children is a privilege and only after you are exclusive.

2.    Apply 3 to 6 months to gauge when to enter the kids regardless of holidays.

3.    Single with children through the holidays has too many benefits to overlook.

4.    Friendship is the foundation to all things good.

Bruce Buccio resides in a small cozy town in Colorado with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, and author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed child advocate and expert helping families professionally in mediation, parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love. 

© 2014 Bruce Buccio

Going The Distance In Love Only To Be Taken For A Loop

What is it about love that has us so? Love in our heart gives us this malleable nature within- an intrinsic ability to allow others to feel our imminence, sensitivity and kindness. It's paradoxical how love heals, empowers, creates dreams, makes us do funny even downright goofy things. But when not handled properly, can lead us astray and downright hurt.

Sharing our life and our heart brings its risks undoubtedly- we put our self out there with genuine thoughts and expectations only to have our most treasured, protected and tendered area stepped on. You go the distance thinking your partner is there every step of the way and then boom-- you get taken for a loop. No one likes to hit the recycle button.

It’s not easy moving forward in an environment unsympathetic to a yoyo stemmed life of drama, excitement, let downs, passion, setbacks, bliss, etc. You know the routine. The ups and downs and thrashing of emotions takes on symptoms of vertigo. But we do it.

It’s in our nature to accept challenges, learn from mistakes and misfortune, adapt, and then forgive. We also learn from how we relate and the heart-filled sensations we discover along the way. This is what keeps bringing us back. Love fills a void and expands our chest cavity. Love is a drug. We jump back in knowing it's addictive spirit.

"Love moves mountains" is a cliché many of us have heard, some will inevitably experience.  It’s that “Wow” factor that breaks down personal barriers, turns the stubborn into the tractable and the heartless into merciful. Love is a lot of things and here are a few adjectives I personally associate: commitment, intimacy, chemistry, attachment, caring, patience, kindness, affection, compassion, and selflessness.  

Are you happy in love or part of the malcontent in perpetual groan?  Perhaps you are in the middle somewhere investigating something new or maybe searching. That covers the broadband of areas in terms of relationships and love. Which category are you? Chances are high if you are happy in love you wouldn't be deep in this article. 

I have a hypothesis. If you are the wonderful things you feel, and you are not getting the results you desire whether you are in a relationship or not, it may be time to start your life. In otherwords, move forward with you, your plans, your ideas and give yourself consent to allow things to happen and the result may just be everlasting. 

These are the personal traits, which attract us initially to others: confidence, attitude, purpose or direction, and your beautiful smile. If you are doing the things you really enjoy, living a life filled with substance outside of work and family, your perception of self will change, and your attitude and outlook as perceived by others will follow.

Get out. Achieve the things you never had time. Make a list of at least 10 things you know you would enjoy- don’t think just write. Now review your list in no particular order. What are the two things that stand out the most? Do them. That’s your start.

Choose items you know you would enjoy now, today- perhaps things you procrastinated on, never had the money, miss as a favorite past-time, or maybe even dreamed about when you were younger. 

Here’s a highlight of where I’m going:

1.     If you are looking for love or wanting love in your current relationship, look inward. The evaluation there is what will get you where you want to go.

2.     By finding and adding more substance in your life, you will achieve bigger personal growth.   John Lennon had a saying, “ Life happens when you are making other plans.”

3.     Stop doing the same things over again wishing for a hit.

4.     Relationships that develop and grow organically are ideal.

5.     Start your life and maybe life will start for you.

My theory, in a nutshell, is if you work on you, your new priorities, your goals and your objectives and make those things your primary focus, then things will begin to happen for the better in many different capacities in your life on many different platforms. Your growth leads to your potential. Control your destiny, be fearless ...and smile.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, Author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed state child advocate and expert counseling families professionally in parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children as single dad, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo courtesy: "thebridgemaker.com"

© 2014 Bruce Buccio

Building Family Rituals Brings Love and Lasting Memory

Summer is in full passage. Everyone would agree, the summer season is a fine time for family, outdoors, quick getaways, vacations, sun, concerts, relaxation, or doing what ever suits your imagination. Summer is for fun.

This time of year is also a reminder of family rituals, for me personally, and the deep thoughts and sensation that follow. Building rituals into our lives creates surreal memories and love.

What’s even more remarkable about rituals is their origin- starting from an idea, growing by natural progression with loved ones and blossoming into something very special for a lifetime. Rituals have the potential to become traditions, which may then get passed down into generations. The very thought of sharing and witnessing our family traditions into my prime with grand children warms my heart.

All it takes to start a ritual is a little imagination and group enthusiasm- this organized effort can transform and brings love and lasting memory. Rituals and traditions alike bring family together. Family rituals provide opportunity for re-affirming and developing family values, faith, and life experiences together.

These experiences are a hidden reinforcement or way of strengthening bonds ceremonially. These events are a reflection that family is important. Traditions are vital to the family unit. While having dinner together, as an example, has become more challenging by today’s standards, sitting down more often as a family may serve to re-kindle the spirit of that tradition. For families on the go, think about insisting on sitting down for a healthy dinner every Sunday as a start to provide "must" quality time and togetherness.

Make it a priority to create customary events surrounding your lifestyle. It's not hard. I personally looked for hobbies and interests, including my own as a child, to share with my children. I sought out favorite past times from my youth to incorporate with my children to share and keep the traditions going. Reliving parts of our youth with our children is a fulfilling opportunity to underline bonds. Providing and supporting these types of events to help my children identify with my childhood is a feeling beyond which I don’t have words.

Rituals I enjoyed as a child were sledding down winding snowy New Hampshire roads, ice skating on the local pond, and shoveling 5 ft snow drifts into Eskimo igloos. During the summer months, I enjoyed neighborhood rituals such as: Kick-the-can, Capture the Flag, building real usable go-carts for those same winding roads, and climbing the tallest trees to see if I could touch the sky!

Here are rituals I began with my children:

Christmas Eve Pajamas- When my kids were very young and video recording at the time was a highlight to our Christmas, I thought of waking up in new pajamas. My kids found opening pajamas on the eve of Christmas and wearing through Christmas morning a treat and twenty years later this tradition holds today.

Hidden Christmas Ornaments- While on the subject of Christmas, the Christmas after I divorced I started hanging new ornaments annually, typically of Santa and Snowman themes for each daughter, on the tree marked with year notation and special message. My original thought was my kids would have enough ornaments to hang on their first tree one day showing every year we spent together. Today my kids insist to keep this tradition going at our home base even though they live elsewhere.

Camping/ Horseback/ Tubing- I would attempt once a year to venture into the Colorado Mountains to be Colorado's greatest outdoorsman. For one long weekend we would camp, build a fire, cook, walk in nature, and explore. I love horseback and would incorporate into our trip often. Other times we would tube down nearby Colorado creeks. As the children got older this was harder to find time, but it’s the memories we reflect on that are important and will bring us back again someday. Yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay! 

Finding “The Rock”- I have a framed picture with my kids sitting on a large rock on Mt. Evans in central Colorado. One day I decided to take us back to this memorable place in search of the exact over-sized boulder we recorded previously. Spontaneity is a good thing. Eventually, this became the perfect perpetual excuse for a quick getaway for a day trip with new clues. Almost 17 years after original picture was photographed we finally discovered this evasive and mysterious stone and recorded in our original positions.

Skiing Thanksgiving Weekend- The American Thanksgiving Holiday is typically the first ski day for most Colorado resorts. Naturally, we wanted to be with the first ascendants to break in the season. I taught my kids to ski at Breckenridge, Co. For several years we spent time on those peaks over the gliders and rollers through the trees and onto virgin snow powder. The memories and pictures still serve us well. Eventually, we moved on to more aggressive slopes at Beaver Creek, Vail, Copper Mtn, A-Basin, Steamboat, and Crested Butte.

Carving Pumpkins- Selecting the right pumpkin for the right display is almost as much fun as cutting into Jack-o-lanterns. You don’t know how creative your children are until you hand them an abstract and imaginary task. I became very impressed with the complexity of the designs. This ritual of course followed Halloween and displaying our artwork on the front home stoop proudly was always great pleasure.

Easter Egg Baskets- Easter is an important date for acknowledging our savior’s transcendence for our sins. I’m also one of those parents that have a hard time giving up displaying a basket even though my children are all in their twenties now. I still dole out candy for my daughters who can be here, and baskets are shipped for those who can’t. It’s primarily a way of holding onto the past when they were little perhaps. I always found joy in seeing my kids faces light up no matter the occasion. I'll admit, I still steal this opportunity.

Daniels Park Hike- When I felt we needed to exert some energy, Daniels Park never failed. This park was a short drive out to a rural area with a phenomenal panoramic view of the Rocky Mountains and Mt Evans mentioned above. The park stands high on a mesa and is a mecca for beginning rock climbers. We would travel the ornery paths through, around, and atop massive rocks circumventing the mesa to a stone cabin in the distance. Our reward was standing tall atop the cabin and yell out into the open space toward the Rockies.

Labor Day in Aspen, Co- We ended the summer season with flair in a road trip to Aspen, Co over the Labor Day weekend. This ritual started after a remarkable camping trip (and horseback ride in Carbondale, Co) culminated over the September holiday that year in Aspen. I made sure we returned the same time every year to ride horseback, see a concert, eat ice cream at the "Paradise Bakery" in town, buy small gifts and tokens, celebrate a birthday, and view the large network of Aspen trees, etc.

Vacations- Every two years I would take my kids on excursions primarily around the US. We visited southern California, Catalina Island, Vancouver British Columbia, Outer Banks North Carolina, and perhaps my favorite, New York City and the New Jersey Shoreline. It was on this shore I spent most of my teens. It brought me a lot of joy sharing the beach, surroundings, and this type of experience with my kids.

Date Night- I started a rotation of weekly one-on-one dates with my young girls shortly after their mom and I separated. One evening a week typically from 5 til 9pm, I let my date choose her dinner place and then some activity afterwards. During conversation waiting for and over dinner I would learn and understand my daughter's world listening to her ideas, thoughts, and imagination. This was my opportunity to show each child individually I have a stake in their lives, they are important, and I approve of them lovingly and with acceptance. Afterwards consisted of movies, playtime at a favorite indoor amusement place or nearby park, making desserts, hide-and-seek and board games, inline skating, mini-golf, bicycling, sporting and concert venues, or painting ceramic arts and crafts- anything which brought lighthearted fun without the need for discipline or judgment.

Making Pizza- My father was our family’s first generation born American. My extended family on my Dads side, Agatha and Vito descended from Italy- just to give credit to my mom, my Nana Chantal was French Canadian and my grandpa Fred was German. My dad started making pizza on a whim one day when I was about fourteen. He was always seeking ways to cut financial corners. When my two oldest daughters were about three and five and I was well into my twenties, I brought the tradition home. Today, our pizza has improved, recipes are handed down, and is much better than I remember. Sorry Dad, R.I.P.

Saying, “Goodnight, I love you”- The least time consuming of rituals may sometimes be the most endearing. At the end of the day I would tuck in my children for the night. In the early years they shared bedrooms and I would make the ritual of getting to their rooms just in time for an, “I love you”, listen and share some of the highlights of the day, and maybe some thoughts and plans for the days ahead. As they grew older into their teens and into their own individual bedrooms, my two oldest moved away from this experience, but I haven’t forgotten. My youngest two, would call out as they lay into bed well into their mid-teens.

Summer is here. If you haven't already, start planning and generating this Summer's seasonal traditions. In the meantime, my family rituals and traditions keep moving and the wonderful memories grow fonder. I know it’s not too late to start new ones and my children now have opportunity to begin their own and renew old ones. The very thought of sharing and witnessing our family traditions into my aging prime someday with extended family warms my heart.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, Author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed state child advocate and expert counseling families professionally in parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children as single dad, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

photo courtesy: www.flickr.com/photos/stacibug

© 2014 Bruce Buccio

Is there good merit to developing a well-adjusted child featuring their independence

The concept of planning to raise a child who’ll develop instincts with keen ambition and enthusiasm to always do well is, in theory and in practice, very feasible. 

There is good merit and lasting fulfillment to developing a well-adjusted child in a supportive and responsive environment featuring independence, maturity, self-reliance, self-control, curiosity, friendliness and achievement.

With Independence Day drawing near, it makes me think about another twist regarding this important day. My kids' independence. The web offers a long list of parenting styles and opinions on what’s the best way to parent your children. I recall shortly before the web came into play, we had to rely on books written by doctors. 

Even after divorcing, (the same year as the advent of the world wide web) I had no desire to use the internet for parenting-- I knew what was important. 

Today everyone has an opinion on the matters of raising children, including me. My thoughts are based on my personal experiences raising children through three phases of marital status: marriage, co-parenting, and then single parenting with an absent ex-spouse when I achieved full custody.

My only request, and only discussion on the matter of raising children incidentally, to my kid’s mom was no hitting. Spanking as a discipline was how she was raised and preferred to stay with that approach. I grew up in a household where a belt was used.

I knew before my 21st birthday that I wanted children and I wanted it to be different. I wanted more involvement and engagement in my children’s lives. I thought about more availability to intellectual, emotional, and shared activities.

I thought about a good balance of clearly stated, high demands with emotional responsiveness and respect for my child's autonomy. I would promote an atmosphere where I could teach values and good virtue. I would make my children a priority and I never waivered from this approach, even through three phases of household status.

From the time my little ones began running through the home with self-confidence, we moved their activity to the playground. In my opinion, this was where and when my children were ready (and with the right dynamics and atmosphere in place) for me to encourage and cultivate their liberties.

Here there was room to explore, make friends, show off, fall and get hurt, be humbled, cry, find empathy in others, get acquainted, and soar with excitement and enthusiasm among other benefits. I watched carefully on how each responded to all these dynamics surrounding the playground.

Scrapes and bruises were plenty-- each child would seek out my comfort for all dilemmas initially. As long as each child knew and trusted my availability was just a few steps away, they would gain confidence in their new world. Sometimes comfort that I was near is all that was needed and maybe a Band-Aid other times.

I let my loved ones run the gamut-- engaging when time warranted and letting them soar when they released me. My confidence and beaming smile may have been their inspiration. My outward and embracing arms would become a landing and launching pad for each. As they grew older, the surroundings and environment changed, though my endearing and inspiring confidence remained with my smiling face.

From the household to the playground to more structured environments such as school, organized sports, or any other set of a number of intellectual and/or physical interactive interests, new stepping stones provided overall inspired them to take larger steps. My unwavering support was always in play. 

Here are five staples I developed for my children:

Learn to take Risk. Taking risks is ok, if your child understands and is ready to accept the consequences. Risk isn't a word we normally choose when talking with our children. We all know risks too well as adults. As a child and especially into our teens we never labeled it "risks". It may have been referred to simply as taking chances, not thinking, or maybe just a little too much fun. Are you with me?

Learn to help themselves. Perhaps the hardest part of being a parent is watching your child fall; the proverbial face plant in the midst of one of life’s critical moments. There is no guidebook on how a child should endure life’s little challenges. How you handle your observations, from a parent point of view is what separates you from the pack.

Learn to get involved. Even at the very lowest recreational level, sports or any engaging activity can expose a child to social interaction influenced primarily by positive situations. In this example I use sports. If recognized and supported properly this can help build character in your child. Exposure to sports at any level will open your child to issues, which parallel life in general.

Learn from structure. Build routine into your child’s lives. Allow them to be and feel safe with their new arrangement. Make your children your priority. Find and create as much time as possible with your kids.

Learn from good discipline. Finding the right balance that works with your child is your prerogative, within reason of course. What would happen if you were to start reasoning with your child with rationale and a good understanding of the issues as if you were... mentoring.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, Author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed state child advocate and expert counseling families professionally in parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children as single dad, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Photo courtesy "sheknows.com"

© 2014 Bruce Buccio

Celebrating Fathers Day- What it means to be a Father

Dads are King of the Mountain / Jennifer Cawley

Lets just move to the point. Being a dad is a blessing. For most fathers I don’t need to explain. Its difficult putting the right words together expressing to dads-to-be or childless men what it means to be a father.  How do you explain to someone who has never had the connection or the feeling developed between a father and his child?  There is no other encounter one can match to identify with this experience.  It doesn’t exist.

When a child loves you unconditionally and depends on you for their very existence, it forever changes a man. By building a relationship with your child, you learn some very important attributes about being a gentle giant.

More than any sport, exercise or workout regimen, or career, a man will learn endurance, staying power, strength, resilience, determination, and fortitude. More than football, rugby, and ice hockey, or even a mountain climb, a child will test your very limits without trying or knowing. You can hang up your cleats or skates and return to action another time, but not with your infant.

Having a child for the first time challenges a man’s stamina- his heart, backbone, and mindset. This conversion will turn the biggest and strongest of men into caring, gentle, and sensitive beings with their new bundle. The event separates the men from the boys.

Being a father isn’t innate, in my opinion, like a mother’s native instinct to her newborn- this is a very natural and wholesome bond. A new infant equals instant connection to her/his mother. There’s no middle step.

New dads have to work at it through trial and error and progression. Some dads are naturals and very fortunate – perhaps having good parents, family, and community to help mold him into the man he is today. Even this is no guarantee he’ll be a good dad.

Being a father isn’t just for anyone. Too often some just turn their backs. Where are they going? Perhaps by walking away some may speculate is better for the child in the long run. Negatives in a child’s life would be worse than nothing at all, in my opinion. It’s crucial for children to have fathers in their lives, though. Some never get it. They are too weak to comprehend the magnitude of their decision.

Some dads just accept they are in over their heads and never rebound. You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Unfortunately, others give up before they even start. Imagine their growth and mutual benefit if they didn’t walk away. For all the ones who walk, I hope there is another who steps up.

You don’t have to help in a child’s conception to be a good dad. You can still show a child how awesome and approve of with loving acceptance without the bio credentials. Your support in raising a child could make all the difference in a child’s outlook and life.

Regardless of childhood or past experiences, you can tell a good dad right away just by his attempt. Being a good dad starts with self-discipline and desire to be the one who counts. Yes, lives are counting on you.

There may not be enough room here to express what it means to me about being my kids’ dad. I have grown to understand my children. They are a part of me. Our relationship started in the middle of the night next to their crib- holding, swaying, whispering, humming, etc.

Our connection grew through feedings, diaper changes, and early Saturday mornings so their mother could sleep in. Just for the record, I slept in on Sunday mornings. We worked like a wrestling tagging team- how else could you conquer four little ones?

Beyond self-discipline and desire came preservation, courage, and self-effacing acts of kindness. I embrace their young hearts in lieu of their experience- I know I can make mistakes too.

I love my kids even if it means being stern and stubborn for their own good. Every step I utilize has some benefit to my children even if they don’t see through it or understand it initially. I stand my ground knowing when they have their own kids, they will get it.

What I enjoy most about being a dad is developing their dependence into independence. I mentor, respond, show through example, provide through structure and consistent discipline. We explored together, learned together. I did my best to bring the outside world to them through new experiences and family rituals.

We touched on sports and academia, chased personal interests, and explored our geographical surroundings and beyond to four corners of the US.  Regardless of the landscape, we worked together as a team and learned something about ourselves in the process. We are teachers and mentors.

Without children who would we be? What man would exist where we stand right now? Raising a child teaches us who we are and what defines us. It helps us move beyond our limits and stand at the edge. You can take all the personal achievements in the world strewn with awards, trophies, medals, career promotions, peer accolades, and financial reward- I can vouch, nothing bests the relationships and qualities you gain as a father.

For all the good ones, I raise my glass and I salute you. Happy Fathers Day!

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, Author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed state child advocate and expert counseling families professionally in parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children as single dad, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

© 2014 Bruce Buccio

Single Parent Challenges on Mothers Day

With Mothers Day approaching fast, and Fathers Day soon after, I know many single parents with absent spouses will be challenged on how or if to celebrate both. With younger children, should we even celebrate the other parent’s day? If the other parent isn’t around or isn’t really participating, is there any question?

When in doubt, what do the kids want?  When my kids were young they wanted to buy things for their mom and I would pay for it. I never received or expected anything back from the other household in June. Somehow my kids came through and would manage to pull something together whether it was from school or some other small token. When the children are too young to understand the delicate nature surrounding these kinds of holidays, it’s really more about the children.

I’ve kept every Father's Day card, note, paper, or other gestures, mostly from their school days, placed away in a chest. Every few years I come across that bundle and I look through it. I’m betting they weren’t thinking, at the time of that painted handprint and “I love you” or color construction paper tie, the number of times over it would be enjoyed. It brings a smile to my face just thinking about it.

If we do it for the kids, how do we approach it? If the other parent is absent from your child’s lives you manage in the best way. Mother’s Day went unspoken in my household, though we would still do a family barbeque or a road trip together into the Colorado Mountains. I made sure this event didn’t go unnoticed.

Even if the other parent isn’t involved, it’s still important for the children to recognize the positive things on Mothers and Fathers Day. I’ve always encouraged my children to communicate and reach out to their mom, regardless of what day of year.

Here are a few suggestions for Mother’s Day regardless of your household status and gender role for this important day. Check local events on the web for what’s active over the weekend in your area:

1. Road trip and a Picnic
2. Nearby festivals
3. Amusement Parks
4. Dinner and Movie
5. Botanic Gardens
6. Family Barbecue
7. State Parks/ Nature walk

By all means make a weekend of it. I recommend anything, which brings light-hearted and easy fun to make it a stress free day.

If the other parent is involved in your children’s lives, there’s a certain amount of respect I believe we should give our co-parent. Even in dire situations between co-parents, it’s really about the relationships between the kids and their mom. Give the appropriate time for the kids regardless of what the divorce decree says.

So what’s in a Mom? Here is a short list of what I’ve learned:

“…that loves her child unconditionally to the end of time. She nurtures, cares, teaches, reprimands (when needed), educates, and gives all the love in her heart for her children.”

“I would say that a mother is that one person in your life that shows sensitivity, friendship, understanding, shoulder to cry on…”

“…she only wants the best for you, and you never really realize it till you become grown. she worries about you all the time, even when you didn’t know there was anything for her to worry about.”

“When I think of Mom I think of unending love, kindness, self sacrifice and hard work.”

“I do have a 15 year old stepdaughter. Our relationship proves that you don’t have to give birth to be a mother.”

“That will always forgive and protect you even if that means putting their life before your own. They should also do whatever they possibly can to guide you down the right path, teach you and be a positive role model.”

God bless all the fabulous moms. Happy Mothers Day!

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, with his beautiful new wife, is loving dad, Author of "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013)," court appointed state child advocate and expert counseling families professionally in parenting, relationship, personal growth and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children as single dad, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Photo courtesy "destinationdreamsanddogs.com"

© 2014 Bruce Buccio